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By Guest Columnist Deborah Dennis
I seem to be doing a lot of reflecting lately. Maybe it’s the time of the year. With Thanksgiving right around the corner (hard to believe!), I find myself looking back on this past year, especially now that there is not much of it left. It’s been a hard year in a lot of ways. We’ve lost close, very dear family members this year. There is a void where their presence used to be in the lives of my family that will never be filled. There has been obstacles faced this year that I thought I would never face, or at least, not this soon. And yet, there is still so much to be thankful for. So in the true spirit of this month, here is my Thanksgiving list:
1. I’m thankful for a loving husband that has stood by my side, for better or worse, for 21 years. I remember when I first heard that 80% of marriages fail after having a child diagnosed with Autism. Horrified, I told my husband, who just looked at me and said, “You know we are in that 20% right?” And as hard as the road has been, we’ve made it. I can’t ask for more than that.
2. I’m thankful for two “typical” boys who have learned such sensitivity and gentleness (excluding the wrestling that is an ongoing event at my house) in dealing with having a younger brother with Autism. Not only that, they have developed a compassion for other children with disabilities as well. A mother couldn’t ask for more than that.
3. I’m thankful for the victories over the past year, no matter how small. I have learned to relish, no, downright wallow in every small step of progress that Owen makes in his battle against Autism. I remember two summers ago completing potty training with Owen. It had been a 2 ½ year progress. (I’m still waiting on my Medal of Honor). My husband and I were sitting in a restaurant with Owen, when he started to tantrum. The food was taking too long, or it was too loud, too bright, or all three. My husband was increasingly getting frustrated, and all I could do was sit there with a silly smile on my face and say, “Hey, at least he’s potty trained now!” I’ve learned to live for the moment.
4. Lastly, I’m thankful for Owen. He has made me a better mother, and a better person. People ask me from time to time how I deal with having a child with Autism. My reply is always the same. No matter how ugly the circumstances get, I refuse to allow my son’s disability to overshadow who he is. Even on his worst day, he’s still my beautiful little boy. I will not let Autism, or anything else, take him away from me.
Which brings me to the best advice I have ever gotten. I’m going to pass it along, just in case any newcomers to the world of Autism or any disability for that matter, may need to hear it.
Here it is. Remember that you are in a marathon, not a hundred yard dash. It is so easy to stay in emergency mode all the time if you are not careful. Rush to find out what’s going on with your child. Rush to find out what to do when you get a diagnosis. Rush to compensate for whatever you feel your child may be lacking. Rush, rush, rush. My best advice is to take a breather. This is a lifetime marathon. Pace yourself or you will not have the endurance to last. Learn to pick your battles. Some will be more important than others. And most of all, if you have them, remember the needs of your “typical” children. It is a constant balancing act for me, and for many families that I have talked to.
Take the time during this month of November to give thanks for all the battles won, the new knowledge from all the battles lost, and the awareness of people around you, disability or no disability, who are just doing the best they can. Bottom line, we’re in this together.
Click here to read Deborah's first column.
There is an Autism and Spectrum Disorders Support Group in our area. Go to the Calendar of Events page and scroll down from the top to find out about Jeremiah's Promise and how you can become a part of this group.